Pumpkin Spice Brulée ~ ChocolaTea

I continue to encounter friends and acquaintances that love tea, and the extent of their tea knowledge derives solely from two or three things they’ve tried at TeaVana. Obviously such things yield the sound of jocilyn sighing continuously. I don’t want to continue beating the dessicated corpse of this sawhorse, and yet… I do want to review TeaVana teas to some small extent. It’s a frustrating place to be.

Pumpkin Spice Brulée (note, not brûlée… So what’s the point of the single diacritic?) is another tea found in my (previously reviewed) Holiday Tea Collection box. I strongly, emphatically, with hands waving over my head cannot stress enough the level of contempt i hold for this tea…beverage? I am really putting myself on the line for you girls today–consuming this stuff borders on taking my life in my hands, but i want to review it. It’s not poison… It certainly isn’t poison. Please don’t misquote me: it is not poison…

That being said, it easily makes the list of Ten Worst Teas I’ve Ever Tasted (forthcoming, you won’t have long to wait). I wouldn’t gift this tea to my worst enemy (play on words only–i don’t have enemies to my knowledge). First of all, my immediate reaction was to get a migraine. Then IBS. Then a fairly disgruntled look on my face: in that order. It’s deplorable. There are actually two distinctly awful tasting things going on here: 1. an overabundance of cinnamon, beyond even what you’d expect to find in your family’s recipe for cinnamon rolls. 2. a very fast aftertaste of old pumpkin seeds pureed with Count Chocula. Pumpkin Spice Brulée is kind of like the the sort of thing a crotchety great-grandmother might serve neighborhood trick or treaters as a prank.

What’s in it? I’m glad you asked.

Ingredients: Cinnamon, white chocolate pieces (sugar, cocoa butter, milk powder, dextrose), pumpkin pieces, chocolate flakes (sugar, cocoa mass, cocoa powder), carob pieces, oolong tea, artificial flavoring, ginger, chicory root, pumpkin seeds, cloves, allspice, nutmeg, coconut blossom sugar. 

My new mission in this world is to save humanity from such an impotable beverage.  So let’s review: the first ingredient is infact cinnamon. As in, there’s more cinnamon than anything else. Counting carob pieces and chicory there are four kinds of chocolate. The only ingredient i was actually interested in tasting is the last one: coconut blossom sugar (toasted coconut sugar is great for cooking), but there’s really no way you’d be able to discern it underneath all the gunk. I do want to point out that one of the ingredients in Pumpkin Spice Brulée is in fact oolong tea. However, it’s one of the middle ingredients immediately followed by artificial flavoring. Also… ALLSPICE?! How on earth did that end up in my drink? I’ve heard of adding nutmeg to your coffee, but this thing already has clove, ginger AND nutmeg. Allspice… Yup. Terrifying. It probably will come as no surprise to you that Pumpkin Spice Brulée is on sale! Quick, get it now before it sells out…

Satisfaction. Err… Can i score down it with a negative rating for taste?

1. Aroma – 72
2. Taste – 0
3. Texture – 0
4. Spunk – 0
5. Price – 78
6. Availability – 85
7. Appearance – 34

Mean score – 38